All I can say is- well, well well. I'm a pretty horrible blogger. Well at least I know I don't have many readers at the moment on this lovely Earth Blossom blog. So really, this is for me. I want to blog like know one else is reading. Sometimes I think I shouldn't blog unless I have it all together and I have a cool theme or topic and a matching picture. Well, I want to just be real and strip away the fancy-ness of having a 'design' blog or a 'health' blog or a 'green momma' blog.
I've pretty much been a recluse these last 15 weeks. I haven't left a FB status. I haven't instagram-ed. I haven't gotten a haircut! Well, I haven't done a lot except be a mom and a wife. And I'm not sure, but hopefully I've been doing an alright job at just those TWO things. My emotions have gone to the wild side. I'm 15 weeks pregnant and I've been an absolute MESS. Although, I'm feeling quite better at the moment. So much so, that I actually wanted to blog a little something, something. Tonight, this is what it looks like: I just got home from an Italian dinner out with my in-laws (tonight we celebrated Ruthie's birthday). Brad is away at a rehearsal. Coral is stirring and just about asleep for the evening. Even Mahli dog is asleep. So, I made myself a dessert, plopped down in my chair in front of my lovely Mac, listening to some John Mayor "slow dancing in a burning room". My dessert of choice: mixed up some plain greek yogurt, unsalted organic peanut butter, stevia, and scooping it with some sliced apples. Ohhh yeahhh. This makes my belly happy :)
I'm feeling re--lax--ed. Guess what. I got OUT of the house. I took a little breather for myself. For my baby that's growing in me. I met up with my girlfriend Amber---we did a little maternity yoga. Oh baby, I needed it. And I'm out of yoga shape for sure. My legs felt like jello. But I loved the focus of just being FOCUSED on me and my baby. And letting go of these emotions that are holding me captive. I don't really understand the yoga chants, but I like to use those moments to talk to God- who created me and this (2nd) little miracle. Of course, like any other little momma, I L-O-V-E my sweet daughter like nothing else that compares, but gosh darn, I need just a littttttle time away from her to rejuvenate my HEART.
It seems like once or twice or okay, maybe three times a week I get to a point where I get lost in my emotions and sometimes I break down. I guess my heart becomes broken a lot. Part of it might be the comparing game. I look at people around me, read Facebook status', look at Instagram pics, and think - dang why aren't we THERE yet. And what was I thinking, that moving back to my hometown would be a joyous experience? We moved back here last year in May. Why does the grass always seem freakin' greener on the other side every time? When we were in Georgia, all I could think about was California. In California, all I can think about is Georgia. What in the world. Last year when I was pregnant with Coral, I remember feeling happy. A newness of being back HOME. What I had been longing for- to be near my parents again. This pregnancy, I have an 11 month old :) In addition to that, this pregnancy has been a different one. I never thought it would happen to me, silly me, but I've been SICK. I know, I'm complaining and I hate it but I haven't had much energy. I thought that I would be A-okay like last time. As long as I had my smoothies, green drinks, fish oil, probiotics, and vitamin D and doing all my stretches and moving my body. It surely hasn't been the case. This baby and pregnancy is simply different. My body is different! By this point, I wanted to have Coral's big 1st birthday bash and my mom's 60th surprise party completely planned out and finished. I had SO many fantastic ideas from PINTEREST, ha! I don't have anything done yet. What's happened to me? Instead I'm going to have a little birthday party with the fam and a few of my friends. It's going to be special but just not big like I imagined :) My mom will not have a surprise party this year, BUT she does have two extra special surprises, one that involves taking the family to "the big D" (my dad spilled the beans) and the second-she will find out soon and it will involve relaxing for a few days!
I've been having to learn how to balance EVERYTHING in my life. Why is it that I can say I'm "fine" but as soon as my mom asks me how I'm doing (on those break down days), I lose it every time. I did that today. I sobbed. I needed to sob though. Bottling it up is never good for my heart. Hearing my moms voice is almost always what I need to realize everything is going to be okay. I hope I can be that way with Coral.
Some of the thoughts that I'm dealing with today and that have been bringing me to a place of yucky-ness and that I'm going to get rid of: Frustrated that we are back again living with my mother and father-in-law, AND sister-in-law, AND two dogs that manage to wake up my sleeping baby everyday with their awful bark. Being pregnant and not being able to have our own space to make home-y and inspiring and creative. Not having a second vehicle and feeling like I can't escape. Wondering why our situation hasn't changed for a year. Wishing Brad's promotion for full-time manager at FedEx Ground wasn't so far away (right around the time baby Gage #2 arrives). Feeling like a failure that I have yet to get 'my business' of designing nurseries and creating healthy and natural spaces, off the ground.
For the sake of my heart and my new babies heart AND my daughter Coral's heart...while we're at it, for my husband, I have to let go of this 'stuff'. It's gonna happen. And I'm going to enjoy this pregnancy and take some real time for this little momma.
Side note: One reason I haven't instagram-ed lately, my phone slowly and surely bit-the-dust. It got wet from splashing at the pool with babies this summer and since, has never been the same. Well folks, this girl finally got a new phone. I have no excuse now to resort back to my old ways and snap pics of Coral's every sweet move and my daily haps! I'm quite excited. Not sure about Facebook, but I just may return to instagram world. I'm back on!
a kiss and a hug,